Friday, August 22, 2008

Life is What Happened While I was Making Other Plans...x 3

I am a planner. Big time. Not that I can't go with the flow, but I one thing I had was a 'life plan' laid out for myself. I would graduate from college, going exploring for a couple years, get a real job, get married, and have at least one kid by the time I was 30. Yep. Sounded perfect to me.

Ha. I did graduate from the college I wanted to go to. I did go exploring, or rather move around the country a little bit to 'find myself', and I did get that "real job" I wanted to get. I even had a fiance'. All by the time I was 26. Yep. Life was on track for sure!

But something just didn't seem right. The fiance was not The One. The city I was living in was not what I dreamt of. Even the job seemed... eh. So I left it all. Life was officially on hiatus and once again, I was trying to find myself. I thought, I just needed a new start and finding another job and significant other would be no problem. It never had been for me. I did find the job, but the rest of it, unfortunately, it took a little longer than I planned.

One cold, snowy winter night I left the bar after yet another unsuccessful night in hopes of meeting someone decent. I was almost to my car in the parking lot and I heard this voice ask me for the time. I was annoyed and said.. right... look at your cell phone idiot. He apologized.. we chatted.. he asked my for my phone number. I gave him my business card. I had no idea this guy, who did seem nice, at the very least, would turn out to be my soul mate.

We bought a house, got married. It was perfect. All of it. Except maybe that I was almost 32 by this time. But, we even decided to wait a year before trying to have a baby because Jeff is almost 5 years younger than me and I didn't want to rush him into a family. I wanted to enjoy him, us, our house, traveling... marriage. And really.. what was the rush? My cycles were totally normal and I'd never had a "female" issue in my life. I knew I would get pregnant right away. I knew I would be 'one of those' girls!

We started trying for a baby when I was 33 years and 8 months. It was October of 2006. And guess what? By Thanksgiving.. I was pregnant! Unfortunately, this is where the plan goes Haywire.

My pregnancy was a nightmare. All 6 weeks of it. I started bleeding, then I started having beyond words terrible one sided pain. After too many beta's and ultrasounds to count, a round of methotrexate shots, 3 ER visits, collapsed veins, anemia.. my left fallopian tube burst from an ectopic pregnancy. I think the worst of it was the in the middle of the night when my tube actually burst. I was laying on our bathroom floor rolling around and screaming pain and Jeff just stood there crying.. what do I do? What can I do for you? I had no answer. I thought I was going to die. Sadly, the reality is that I very well could have. It was a great way to spend Christmas that year.

I wasn't physically or emotionally ready to try again until April of 2007. I just couldn't believe I had waited 34 years, found the perfect husband and was in a wonderful marriage and THAT is how my first pregnancy turns out?? I was really afraid to try again. We decided to see an RE right away. I was 34, scared to try again with monitoring, and... had great insurance coverage from a job that I knew I couldn't stand much longer. We did one clomid cycle. BFN. I wanted to do an HSG to be sure my other fallopian tube was ok, but my RE didn't think it was necessary. I listened. We did two injectables + IUI cycles. And in August of 2007, on the 2nd one... BFP!! We were thrilled!! just wasn't meant to be. Again. I started bleeding. Again. I started having pain. Again. The only thing that was different this time was that I had perfectly doubling beta's. So we waited. And sure enough at the ultrasound, there it was again. In my right fallopian tube. This time they rushed me right to surgery instead of trying to let my body pass it on it's own. I begged them to save my only tube. My only chance at ever conceiving again with out IVF. I came out of the surgery to find that they did not take my tube out! I was sobbing with happiness. That was short lived too, as two days later, my beta had not gone to zero. It had almost doubled again. I was rushed back to surgery that day and once and for all.. they took my tube. We were devastated. I was just distraught. I felt like my 'women-hood' was gone along with my second baby in 9 months.

We both thought the only way to heal would be to get back in the saddle again. As soon as my Dr. cleared me, we jumped right into our first IVF. The whole cycle was just kind of a mess although, we did end up with two perfect 5 day blasts. We transferred two. Once again... heartbreak. This time it was a chemical pregnancy. I really went into a fog after this. I was now convinced I would never have a child of my own and feverishly began researching adoption. It was the only salvation I had. The only sure thing I knew of. I was done with this roller coaster. In one year I had managed to lose 3 pregnancies and my ability to conceive with out major medical intervention. However.. my optimistic husband wanted to try one more time before we adopted. I did it for him.

The whole cycle was... different. I was detached. I didn't believe. I didn't care. I forgot to take my shots, took them whenever I remembered. I just couldn't count on this working for my happiness. Imagine my shock when those two lines unmistakably appeared on Easter Sunday 2008. I thought.. oh boy.. here we go again.

The beta's were good. Not great, but they did double. I was convinced there was one baby in there based on the numbers. Sure, we had transferred 3 blasts this time, but we had already failed with two. I was hoping to just get one to stick. We were both shocked to learn at our 7 week ultrasound that two of the embryo's had in fact, stuck around! And then... there was a 2nd heartbeat in the first sack. Triplets.

That was over 4 months ago now and I am just turning the corner to being 26 weeks pregnant. I still can't call this a success until I have 3 healthy babies in my arms. I am still to afraid and nervous that something will go wrong like the other 3 times. I've had people say to me.. it's as it should be. You're getting all 3 of your babies back now. I like to agree. It will be tough, but for whatever reason, we were chosen for this and we feel like the most blessed people on earth.

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