I interviewed with companies in a variety of industries, I took courses, read books, compiled research- all in my quest for fulfillment. And then one day, it happened. I almost threw up at the smell of a dirty rag... Mmmm... I couldn't be pregnant, after all, I was planning a new and exciting career and was very close to being offered a job. This was not in MY PLAN. I ran out for a pregnancy test and it was true, I was going to be a mom...gulp!
I started to adjust to the idea that I was pregnant when, a week later, I was offered the job that I was hoping for. I decided to take it... I was so early in my pregnancy, anything could happen. Four weeks into my new job, I went for my first ultrasound and was shocked to see what was next....
Two perfect little babies- two- twooooooooooooooooooo?????- yes, two. That also was NOT in MY PLAN!!! Looking back, I think it was at this point that my plan went out the window!!! A week after learning we were having twins, celebrating and telling anyone who would listen, we were back at the clinic to look for a membrane separating the twins. We had no idea what this membrane was for, or why it was important, we were too busy realizing that we had NO plan.
The second ultrasound was also unable to locate a membrane. The technician simply told us that there was no membrane which meant that our twins were monoamniotic and we should not go on the internet to look this up.
We immediately went home to get on the internet to look up what we believed to be no big deal- so there was no membrane... Imagine our shock and terror to find out that this was a very serious diagnosis and to find that statistically, 50% of monoamniotic pregnancies end in one, or both babies not surviving.
I cried for two weeks... I did not know HOW I would take care of two babies, WHO they would grow up to be, HOW we could even afford them yet, I could NOT live without them- I already loved them so much!!
My family phoned but did not know what to say- we were on eggshells for two weeks when finally, an appointment at the high-risk specialist made our dreams come true: they found a membrane. Our twins were not monoamniotic! There were new risk factors but none as great an the original diagnosis.
I felt like God was reminding us that this pregnancy is a gift to be appreciated in so many ways. The gift of these two precious babies, the gift of appreciation for the miracles in life and for me, the gift of purpose and presence.
I am no longer looking for the fulfillment that is so obviously present in my life. I am now present in my life.
The journey has been crazy. I am at home on sick leave. I spend long hours lying down, reading, watching Oprah :) and waiting for my babies to be born but... with every kick I feel, I am reminded that God's plan for me is so much bigger than the plan I was making for myself. I smile because I know that my search for fulfillment has brought me to a place that I would not have found alone. I am letting my life happen to me and I've never, ever, been happier.
My two boys began to impact my life in profound ways the minute I found out I was pregnant. I can't wait to see where this journey takes our family next.
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